Defend a Villain Courtroom: The Witch from Hansel & Gretel
"In the criminal justice system, fairy tale based offenses are considered especially heinous. In the enchanted forest, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Enchanted Forest Victims Unit. These are their stories."
We introduced a new segment on the show called "Defend a VIllain." We originally heard about it from Reddit, and it didn't start out as a segment, It was just an idea thrown out there. I, unfortunately made the mistake of saying that I would "forever defend" the witch from the classic fairy tale- "Hansel & Gretel."
My stance has always been: those kids should have known better! This woman built her dream house and these kids come along and start eating it. So, for our courtroom I decided to stick with my villain and treat it like a serious case.
We all know I love "Law & Order: SVU," but what many didn't know was that in high school I was on the debate team and in mock trial. I was pretty good back in the day, #humblebrag, so I felt confident I could put forth those skills into this segment. Below you'll see my opening statement:
"I’m here to represent the estate of The Witch who unfortunately is not here as a direct result of the actions of the plaintiffs. I’m here to prove that the witch committed no crimes and furthermore prove who the real villain is in this story.
Did everyone live happily ever after? Well, let’s follow the legal breadcrumbs, shall we? Once upon a time… a father, who was a down on his luck wood cutter, was unable to provide for his children and his new wife. The step-mother came up with what she thought was a clever solution to the family’s financial problems: just leave the Children in the woods. The father gave in to his wife’s demands and left his children in the forest to die, not once, but twice.
Lost and hungry the two children stumbled across a house made of gingerbread and decorated with all types of sweets, unable to contain themselves, the two children TRESPASS the property and begin to eat the house only to find out it is occupied by my client, The Witch.
Yes, my client who was BLIND by the way, could tell that the children were obviously abandoned and scared, let the children into her house and offered them refuge, despite the fact that they had already done significant damage to her house. These are the FACTS. The rest of the story is hearsay. Well all except for ending, which ends with my client in the oven! Hansel and Gretel not only TRESPASSED and took advantage of my client’s blindness and hospitality, they MURDERED HER and ROBBED HER afterwards.
The real victim here is my client who is protected through the Enchanted Forest Disabilities act. The villain? The FATHER! This plan was concocted by the stepmother but the father went through with it. Hansel and Gretel’s parents had a legal obligation to support their children. This would require not just feeding the children, but not willfully leaving them in the woods to fend for themselves. Granted, the step-mother might not have legally adopted Hansel and Gretel, but she would be a legal guardian with the duty to not harm the children. Leaving Hansel and Gretel in the woods overnight with the intent to abandon them would be child endangerment in any state- and it is definitely acknowledged in the Enchanted Forest."
TL;DR- It's not my client's fault, it's the parent's fault. After a rebuttal, with Buzz accusing my client of intentionally luring children to eat them, which is speculation, there is no evidence to prove that. In the end, the honorable Judge Underwood instead enacted a "But For" ruling. Basically it said, if not for (but for) the gross negligence of the father, Hansel and Gretel would never have gotten in the situation. I take that as a victory.
I actually cannot wait to defend another villain. Which villain would you like to hear us defend? Let us know!