As Christmas traditions go, The Elf on the Shelf is a relative newcomer. It’s only been around since 2005. It’s a great lesson about the wonder of Christmas because you WONDER why you spent $25.99 on a “tradition” that’s only as old as Adam Sandler’s remake of The Longest Yard.

The Elf on the Self has been described as “a marketing juggernaut dressed up as a tradition” and “the perfect mascot for the surveillance state”. But there’s one thing about The Elf on the Shelf that you have to admire: it made the lady who created it now has millions of dollars. That’s why I…in the spirit of the season…am introducing a new holiday tradition. Preeeesenting….

Trump on the Stump

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An adorable, naked little Donald Trump watches your child from the nearest available stump and THEN he reports back to…I don’t know…Sean Hannity, maybe? It doesn’t matter. Just send me $29.95!

If you’re not sold on Trump on the Stump, there are several different variations, all guaranteed to bring an expression of some kind to your child’s face.

There’s…

Don on the John

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Troll on a Bowl

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Schuck on a Truck

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Cheater on a Heater

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Traitor on a ‘Tater

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Scum on a Drum

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Felon on a Melon

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And, my favorite….

Racist on a Bassist (Credit for this one goes to Brandon for coming up with it!)

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And, after all, isn’t that what Christmas is really all about? Incoherent nonsense that only makes sense to people with less than a middle school education?