Fergie is an 8 time Grammy Award Winner and a person who is extremely attractive depending on what angle you’re looking at her from. On Sunday she did a bizarre, off-key jazz interpretation of The Star Spangled Banner. Let’s just say “Peas” aren’t the only ones with black eyes after this debacle.

More like Star MANGLED Banner, amiright? It’s a 200 year old song that they make you sing in first grade. Why is Fergalicious singing it like she’s Ginger on Gilligan’s Island trying to make the Professor pop a bone? If Marilyn Monroe had sung Happy Birthday this suggestively to JFK, Jackie would have divorced him on the spot!

The Star Spangled Banner is notoriously difficult to sing (and not just for the lyrics in the third verse about killing slaves). But, plenty of singers have managed to knock it out of the park (or arena/stadium/rodeo fairgrounds). Sure, you’ve got your Whitneys and Gagas and Ray Charleses who’ve made our National Anthem their bitch. But there are lots of other celebrities who aren’t known primarily for their singing who could really teach a thing or two to Fergie when it comes to bomb-bursting and rampart-oe’ring. People like…

1.) Jack Black

I think most of us are aware that Jack Black has a singing voice from watching “School of Rock”. A smaller sampling may know that he’s actually and accomplished rock singer from watching “Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny”. OK, I take it back. NOBODY saw “The Pick of Destiny”. But can Jack Black belt it out?

Check out the audience reaction when Mr. Black finishes the anthem. It can only be described as “the exact opposite of the reaction for Fergie’s version”.

2.) The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are know for many things: their big Metroplex hair, their dazzling smiles and their big, bouncing pom-poms. But their tight three part harmonies?? Damn straight.

That rendition was so perfect. Notice they didn’t need to run the scales or do a sultry jazz style. I always get a patriotic feeling when I hear the anthem but especially so with this version. It might have something to do with the star-spangled booty shorts that had me standing fully at attention throughout.

3.) This Creepy Mechanical Bear

Long before there was Chuck E. Cheese and his band of talentless hacks, there was the Rock-afire Explosion, a band of animatronic nightmare fuel that were the house band at Showbiz Pizza. Showbiz Pizza is long gone now and Five Nights at Freddie’s will be in theatres soon meaning no one will ever look at dead-eyed murderbots the same way again. Fortunately, we still have this gem from YouTube to fill out our list.

Is this robo-bear actually a better singer than Fergie? I’ll leave that for you to decide. But the last I checked Billy Bob Brockali doesn’t have EIGHT GRAMMY AWARDS! And despite being a robotic bear wearing overalls, I don’t think Draymond Green would’ve had to stifle laughter if he was listening to HIS version.

And who here like IRONY? That bear video was actually done back in 2011 and it was making fun of how badly Christina Aguilera butchered the anthem at the Super Bowl. But…and here’s the ironic part…they give props to the Black-Eyed Peas for their halftime performance. Ah….leave it to jungle animals to teach us all about “the circle of life”.