Most people have a pretty good idea of their biological heritage. Not me, though. I was an orphan and I never knew a single blood relative my whole life. It wasn't until I had kids of my own that I ever met a person I was related to biologically. You know when you go to a new doctor and they ask "do you have any family history of ...whatever"? My only answer to that has always been, "no clue".

Well, my friend Matt Kaplowitz signed me up for a company called 23 and Me. All I had to do was spit repeatedly into a vial and send it in through the mail.

The results are back. In this picture, the blue represents every part of my genetic makeup that is "Northern European" in nature.

That's a lot of blue. You know, I was hoping for something a little less...vanilla? I would have been thrilled if there'd been some African or, hell, even something white-but-not-all-the-way like Greek of Basque. I was fully ready to immerse myself in my new ethnicity.

But, no. I'm plain boring white and white I shall remain. Except...

You see that tiny little sliver of yellow? It's really small. You might need to get out a magnifying glass. That little yellow strip represents my Native American heritage. All 0.4 % of it. Will this get me any casino money? Of course not. Will it make me more likely to shed a single tear anytime I see litter. That's preposterous. Will I pull it out anytime I'm in an argument about "who this land really belongs to"? You're goddamned right I will.