Let’s face it- the zombie apocalypse is upon us. A guy in Florida just ate the face of a homeless man and a college guy in Baltimore just devoured his roommate’s brains. You better brush up on your Rules to the Zombie Apocalypse now because Woody Harrelson isn’t going to save your ass.

For those of you not prepared, you’re fools. But, because God takes care of drunks and fools, I’ve felt compelled to compile a list of “safe-ish” places to be when those flesh-hungry mongrels come limply dragging your way.

New Orleans- The average blood-alcohol ratio for most people in the Big Easy is roughly 50/50. That’s not including the tourists.  Given this information, it should only take a zombie about 1 to 2 kills to then become inebriated by consumption. If you can’t already outrun most zombies then you’re obviously Michael J. Fox. If you can’t outrun a drunken zombie, you clearly deserve to die. Sorry Stephen Hawking.

Arkansas- I would imagine the worst part about being eaten by a zombie is the tearing of the flesh. Actually, thinking deeper, it might all be pretty awful. But, let’s agree the worst part is flesh removal. If I offered you a safe haven where there were still zombies, but none of them could eat you, would you go? Hell yeah. So, I give you Arkansas. With a collective number of 6 teeth in the whole state, you may even enjoy the sensation of being gummed to death.

George Zimmerman’s House- We all know this guy is packing and he doesn’t wait to pull the trigger. If we learned anything from “I am Legend” it’s that zombies wear hoodies. So we’re good, right?

The Playboy Mansion- The fact that Hugh Hefner is still alive is proof that the elixir to life truly exists.  Whether he survives on a drip of fresh unicorn blood or the souls of young blondes, the man is clearly being kept alive with magic.  Head to the Mansion, search for this magic potion, and you too can live to fight another day. Mansion tip: That stuff floating in the Grotto... that’s not it.

So there you have it, a list of “safe-ish” places to be in a zombie apocalypse. I can’t promise you’ll have favorable results in these places. Don’t forget what Family Guy has taught you either. There is a Twinkie factory somewhere. No matter how low food gets, always remember there are Twinkies to be found.  If you need me, I’ll be in Arkansas letting a few dozen zombies attack me, '50 Shades of Gums' style.